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 The Joke Thread

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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:41 am

I've been posting a lot on the video thread but I am now starting my own thread.

Feel free to post your own jokes!

~Lee

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Last edited by Split-Lee on Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:12 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:42 am

I was driving today without my seat belt on when a copper pulled me over.
He said, "Come on son, what are you not wearing?
"I said, "My glasses, do I know you?"

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:47 am

You only need 2 things in this life, Duct Tape & WD40
If it moves and it shouldn't: use Duct Tape
If it should move but doesn't: use WD40

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:49 am

I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday.


I have to admit, it was a bit out of the green.

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 11, 2011 11:50 pm



lol! lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:07 am

Three men walk into a bar... the forth one ducks

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:11 am

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell*BINGO*!

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:13 am

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:20 am

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:31 am

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 1:00 am

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine!” “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” “Well, OK — but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.” “What about that eye patch?” “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped s**t right in my eye!” “You’re kidding!” said the bartender, “You can’t lose an eye just from some bird s**t” It was my first day with the hook!” recalled the pirate.

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 1:03 am

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Alex, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Alex comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Alex, where did he go when he left here?”
Alex looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house! ”

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:49 am

Austin powers wrote:
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Alex, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Alex comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Alex, where did he go when he left here?”
Alex looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house! ”

This one made the guys at work chuckle!!!
Love it
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:55 am

I'll tumble weed you in a minute Tony!

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:18 am

Split-Lee wrote:
I'll tumble weed you in a minute Tony!

lol! lol! lol!

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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:49 am

The Manager at my local Ice Rink is charging 50p for 3 hours.

Cheap Skate.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:52 am

I don't see the point in walking to the mailbox to post letters any more with all the technology in the world today.

So after typing up a letter, I just send my wife out on the segway to deliver it.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:59 am

I'm a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:18 am

A duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, “Got any duck food?”
“No,” says the clerk, “we only sell dog food and cat food.”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any duck food?”
The clerk once again replies, “No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food.”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any duck food?”
The clerk says, “Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any duck food?”
This time the clerk yells, “We don’t sell any duck food and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any nails?”
“No,” says the confused clerk.
Then the duck says, “Got any duck food?”

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:22 am

The worst job I have ever had was crushing lemonade cans

It's soda pressing



Origami championships on tele...

Its paper-view

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:34 am

"Black Beauty, He was a dark horse."

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:40 am

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:44 am

Driver Joke

It is the night before Christmas and everyone is racing home to finish the preparations for the festive season. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

As they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: So, you're man. That's interesting - I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God". The woman continues: "And, look at this - another miracle! My car is completedly destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another".

Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ..."

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:48 am

Camping Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend: “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a moment. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that tomorrow will be a beautiful day. What does it tell you?”
Holmes paused for a moment. “Watson, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent.”

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:00 am

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

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