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 The Joke Thread

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Austin powers
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun May 22, 2011 4:15 am

Q. What's pink and fluffy


A. Pink fluff

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun May 22, 2011 4:16 am

Q. What's blue and fluffy


A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun May 22, 2011 4:22 am

Q. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?



A. Unique Up On It

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun May 22, 2011 4:23 am

Q. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?



A. Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon May 23, 2011 3:02 am

Smile

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:02 am

BACON TREE




Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis, mi amigo.... what ees it? "

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees.... a ham bush..!!"






And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:26 am

Quote :
And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

Hahah I blooming did as well lol! lol! lol!


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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:02 am

Yeah I did too, badly even in my head!! Smile

~Lee

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:29 am

As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there.

"When's it due?" I asked.

"Two weeks", she replied, with a lovely smile on her face.

"Well I might as well walk then..." I said.

_________________


Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Southcoast Wagenwerks

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Jun 16, 2011 6:22 am

in a survey, i asked 100 women what shampoo they use when showering? 98% of them said HOW THE F*$£ DID YOU GET IN HERE!!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:18 am

QUIZ

Are you Male or Female

Not sure?

Have a look further down


























Not on here you idiot!

I worry about you sometimes!
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Jun 16, 2011 9:07 am

Southcoast Wagenwerks wrote:
in a survey, i asked 100 women what shampoo they use when showering? 98% of them said HOW THE F*$£ DID YOU GET IN HERE!!!!!!

Hahaha that's brilliant!!

~Lee

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:10 am

BBC News: Rare Picasso sells for £106 million.




Who the hell would pay that for a Citroën?

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:12 pm

wife says to husband "you only want sex when you are drunk....." husband says to wife "thats not true......sometimes i want a kebab........"
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:15 pm

last night i was awoken by four West Ham fans outside my house playing football with a hedgehog. i was absolutely disgusted and was just about to call the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up.........
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:20 pm

boy in bath with mum, he says "whats that hairy thing down there? ?" mum says "its a sponge son!" boy says "oh yeah......aunt sarah has one too because i saw her washing dads face with it the other night".........
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jul 01, 2011 8:32 am

Murphy said to Paddy
'what the hell are you doin talking to an envelope?!'
Paddy says
'sending you avoicemail yout thick twit'
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jul 01, 2011 8:34 am

According to tetley the best way to make a cuppa tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning i slap the wife on the Bleep and say "two sugars fatty"
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jul 15, 2011 4:07 pm

Blonde whizzing along in her little red sports car with the top down doing way over the limit.
She gets stopped by a female cop - also, as it happens, blonde.

"Drivers licence please" says the cop, whereupon our blonde rummages around in her bag. "What does it look like?" she asks. "Well it's rectangular and has your picture on it" replies the cop.

Finding her vanity mirror and looking at it and seeing herself, she decides that must be it and passes it to the cop. Looking at it, the cop says "OK, you're free to go. But why on earth didn't you tell me you were a cop?"!
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Number6

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:27 am

I found a hole in my trainer big enough to fit my finger in...

Now she's made an official complaint and im banned from the gym!
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:54 pm

I'm still seriously thinking that if everyone in the world each filled one empty 5 litre water bottle up with sea water, and stored the full bottle under the stairs, then it would solve rising sea levels

Just seen a non-pirate version of the new Johnny Depp film.Very boring, just lots of sea.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Hatch DLM

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Location : Tiptree
Cars : DLM 1 & my daily DLM 1
Posts : 1264
Occupation : Retired HGV 1 driver, Now full time layabout

PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:47 pm

Figured out why I find it hard to lose weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body". So I'm going to start using "Fairy" dishwashing liquid, which says "dissolves fat and otherwise difficult to remove items
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Hatch DLM

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:20 pm

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .


A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.





The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and


walks to the gate.


" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.



The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over

his shoulder.


" Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.



The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.



"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Jul 30, 2011 2:20 am

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block? Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.

What does that mean?' asked the child, go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat and to come ask you.

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash, surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?,

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block so another dog is pushing her home.'
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OscarTheMini

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Jul 30, 2011 10:09 am

Hatch DLM wrote:
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block? Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.

What does that mean?' asked the child, go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat and to come ask you.

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash, surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?,

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block so another dog is pushing her home.'
Fantastic Roger, had me in tears
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