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 The Joke Thread

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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:03 am

I took my six-year-old son Daniel for a walk in the park yesterday. He asked me, 'Daddy, why is the sky blue?'

Any idiot knows that the sky is blue because air scatters short-wavelength light more than longer wavelengths. Since blue light is at the short wavelength end of the visible spectrum, it is more strongly scattered in the atmosphere than long wavelength red light.

So I gave him a good beating.

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
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Hatch DLM

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Aug 10, 2011 5:21 pm

HEALTH MESSAGE:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, barely walks and does nothing ..yet lives for up to 450 years.

AND YOU WANT ME TO EXERCISE!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:37 pm

I've just had a look  in my garage at all the stuff I looted at the begining of the week and I think I've done quite well for myself...I've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles,T.V.s, deep freeze and David Bowie L.P.s,Ball games, gold chains, whassa-names, and at a push,Some Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherds Bush,Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush ...

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:38 pm

If your struggling with your crossword.


7 up Is lemonade

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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Hatch DLM

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Aug 21, 2011 5:47 am

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Aug 24, 2011 7:07 am

Never Lose Your Grandson -
A heart-warming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,


"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,


>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>
"Gin and tonic and women with big Bleep."
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Hatch DLM

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Aug 27, 2011 5:11 am

> London Olympics 2012
>
>
>
>
> London ( Stratford ) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
>
> You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up
> this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy
> of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
>
> OPENING CEREMONY
> The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
> area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
> will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof
> of the stadium.
>
> THE EVENTS
> In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been
> particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
> events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
> 100 METRES SPRINT
> Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
> each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
> released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
> 110 METRES HURDLES
> As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
> fences, walls etc)
>
> HAMMER
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
> use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
> most physical damage within three attempts.
>
> FENCING
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
> in 5 minutes.
>
> SHOOTING
> A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
> target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
> will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
> deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event
> by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore
> shotgun.
>
> BOXING
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
> will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
> of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
> gets home. The bout will then commence.
>
> CYCLING TIME TRIALS
> Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
> take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
> trip away from home. All against the clock.
>
> CYCLING PURSUIT
> As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
> Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
> MODERN PENTATHLON
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
> and arson.
>
> SWIMMING EVENTS
> All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
> is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
> organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
> year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples
> on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be
> provided by "The Verve."
>
> THE MARATHON
> A safe route has yet to be decided.
>
> MEN'S 50KM WALK
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
> guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
> especially anyone that appears to be... mincing
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
> Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
> rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
> be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable
> pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The
> stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break
> into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Sep 18, 2011 12:39 am

I couldnt afford an iPad. So I got an iPatch instead. Its the pirate version.

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
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Hatch DLM

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Sep 18, 2011 1:30 am

I bought an ipad 2

Had to give it up, kept walking into things
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Sep 18, 2011 2:12 am

Never steal second-hand tambourines.

The repercussions will be terrible.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Oct 03, 2011 10:05 pm

Just seen a bloke driving while eating ice cream.

sundae drivers.

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Oct 07, 2011 8:29 am

A woman bought an old VW Beetle, she was driving along the round when it
suddenly died. She opened up the bonnet and noticed there was no engine.
Another VW beetle parked up and a women got out.
What's wrong?" the second lady asked the first. "I seem to have lost my engine!" replied the first lady.

"OH! How lucky", exclaimed the second lady. "This car just happened to come with a spare one in the boot!".

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Nov 05, 2011 3:47 am

'...Accidents involving ice cream vans are extremely rare and yet always result in the tragic loss of hundreds and thousands.'

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:22 am

.Turn your dishwasher into a snowplough this christmas by giving her a spade.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:02 am

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash every day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off."

_________________


Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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OscarTheMini

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Location : Birchington
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:21 am

Two rednecks, Ned and Jed are out stalking a huge dear, being really slow and quiet they manage to stand along side the deer, Ned strokes the deer amd says
'Ain't it beautiful Jed? Now hand me the rifel!'
'What Rifle?' Asks Jed
'The rifle I gave you back at the truck!' Exclaimed Ned
Looking dumbstruck Jed Replied 'Heck, I didn't know you wanted me to carry it!'
'Then we in some deep doodie!' Said Ned
'Why? Ain't nuthin but a dear!' Replied Jed
'Cos There's a 300 pound black bear stood behind you!' said Ned
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:00 am

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their
first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he
and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy,
stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to
pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,'
he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake
like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny
looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye
father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in
December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, you
idiot!"

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:41 am

paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours dog is barking like madin the garden.
paddy says"to hell with this"and storms off
he comes back 5 minutes later and his wife asks "what did you do?"
paddy replies"i've put the dog inour garden.let's see how they like it!!!.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:40 am

My calculator has gone dodgy. The only numbers that work are 1,3,5,7 and 9.That's odd.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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Split-Lee
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:57 am

My wife left me because my obsession with handing out food."Look that's seven chocolates you've given out, when will you stop?""After Eight?"

My wife has left me because I keep saying video game titles. ..... Safe to say she won't be Tekken me back.

For any churches out there that are short on resources, have I got pews for you.

A man walks into a casino, and sits down at the poker table. As the bets are beginning to be taken, the man suddenly notices two cows, smoking weed in the corner. He abruptly stands up and starts to leave, another player says "Hey man, where are you going, we've just started!" The man turns around to him and says "Sorry sir, I don't game when the steaks are high"

Unfit people who claim to be fit are always found out in the long run.

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmm"? Duct Tape.
 
I've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.I've made an absolute mint.


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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Feb 10, 2012 12:00 am

HOSPITAL BILL


You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery...
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Mar 09, 2012 6:01 am

Just finished my latest book. 450 pages........ Man, that was a lot of colouring!

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:04 am

50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:06 am

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Apr 13, 2012 3:03 am

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming....

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats

realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'

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