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 The Joke Thread

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Austin powers
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:19 am

Don't Say This To The Traffic Police

Thanks Officer! That's great. The last officer only gave me a warning as well!
Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
Sorry Officer, I was trying to keep up with the traffic, Yeah I know they are miles ahead of me, but that's how fast they got away from me!
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The needle stops at 180 mph
Wow! you must have been going some to catch me up?
Sorry officer, I didn't know you where behind me all that time, I was having to focus on what was in front of me because of the speed I was going

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:19 am

Bad Car Advertising:

Summer Fun - The roof leaks in winter
Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes
Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see
New Paint - Beautifully covers the rust
Fully Loaded - The seller is too
Only 59,000 Miles - Actually closer to 259,000 miles
Rare Model - One of 300,000 made
Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers, 2 gran parents and the family dog
Fully Restored - There's nothing original
Must Sell - Before it blows up
Well Maintained - I occasionally change the oil
Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new
Ran When Stored - It won't start now
No Time To Restore It - Can't get hold of the parts
Low Miles - The odometer was turned back

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 19, 2011 12:20 am

Apparently From Real Insurance Claims:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it
I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him
I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 19, 2011 1:14 am

Jasper Carrot!

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 19, 2011 1:28 am

Laughing Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:49 pm

Why men should not write advice columns


Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I could’nt believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. we have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go on counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerly,
Sheila.


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of those approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure for the injectors.
I hope this helps.
John



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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:28 pm

little johney strikes again..............
a primary school teacher in killarney asked her students to use the work 'fasinate' in a sentance.
little johnny raised his hand.
the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little johnny before. she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate'.
so she called on him. johnny said,' my aunty gina has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her Bleep are so big she can only fasten eight..
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Feb 20, 2011 9:39 pm

lol! lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Feb 21, 2011 1:25 am

This is a story about
A Fly
A Fish
A Bear
A Hunter
A Mouse
and
A Cat

There is a moral to the story......

 
In the middle of Summer a Fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot Fly said to no one in particular
"Gosh... if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed"

 
 
There was a Fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him"

 
 
There was a Bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh... if that Fly goes down three inches
That Fish will jump for the fly and I will grab the Fish".

 
 
It also happened that a Hunter was on the bank farther up the stream
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich

"Gosh'... he thought "
If that Fly goes down three inches
and the fish leaps for it
that Bear will expose himself and grab for the Fish
I'll shoot the Bear and have a proper lunch"

 
Now you probably think this is enough activity on the river bank
but I can tell you there's more.
A wee Mouse by the hunters foot was thinking

"Gosh... if that Fly goes down three inches
and that Fish jumps for that Fly
and that Bear grabs for the Fish
and the dumb Hunter shoots the Bear
and drops his sandwich"

 
 
A Cat lurking in the bushes took in the scene and thought.

"Gosh... if that Fly goes down three inches
and that Fish jumps for that Fly
and that Bear grabs for the Fish
and the dumb Hunter shoots the Bear
and drops his sandwich"
and the Mouse makes of with the cheese sandwich
then I can have Mouse for lunch"

 
The poor Fly in finally so hot and dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The Fish swallows the Fly...
The Bear grabs the Fish..

The Hunter shoots the Bear...

The Mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The Cat jumps for the Mouse..
The Mouse ducks...


The Cat falls into the water and drowns.


NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some p---y's gonna be in serious danger.

 
 
Didn't see that coming did you??

Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Feb 21, 2011 2:04 am

Razz Razz Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Feb 22, 2011 2:47 am

BMW Z4....
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the showroom.
Taking off down the highway, he floored it to 120KPH, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 150KPH, then 170, then 200KPH.

Suddenly, he thought? What on earth am I doing? I am too old for this non-sense! So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up.

Pulling n behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," said the policeman.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Feb 22, 2011 2:50 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Feb 22, 2011 5:35 am

Hahahaha! Love the Z4 one! Smile

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:49 pm

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a
fishing poles. She asked the store manager how
much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the
ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.'
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone
heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she
picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That
will be 20.00'
'But you said 10.00'
'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Feb 23, 2011 5:25 am

Smart Dog

Two women were arguing about which of their dogs was the smartest.

“My dog is so smart,” the first woman said, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to arrive, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me in bed.”

The second woman replied, “I know. My dog told me.”
Laughing Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Feb 23, 2011 5:27 am

A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini to the amazement of the bartender.

When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he’s further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.

The bartender takes the $20, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla on $1 change.

The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.

“We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.

The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.” Laughing Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 26, 2011 10:34 am

I hit someone in my car the other day.
It was my girlfriend, her map reading skills aren't brilliant and I just got really wound up with her!

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:00 pm

Police pulled over a man driving a Hearse at 110mph in the slow lane of a motorway.


He was later charged with undertaking.

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Its the letters on the badge that count, not how shiny they are or how far off the ground.

www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
In the Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Kent Area.
Email Lee@classicsforoccasions.co.uk for more info.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:14 pm

Where's that tumble weed picture

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:14 am

paddy gose into micks fridge & asks 'why do you have an empty milk bottle in here?'
mick replys "incase anybody wants a black coffee you thick Bleep"
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:25 am

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:59 am

Groan Groan Groan

The new government in Egypt has asked the city taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality.

Operation Toot 'n' Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week

farao jocolor farao jocolor farao jocolor
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Mar 01, 2011 6:06 am

Boooooo.........

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www.classicsforoccasions.co.uk
Wedding, Proms and more. Many classic cars available for hire,
Wedding Cars Thanet, Kent.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Mar 01, 2011 6:42 am

:rofl :rofl :rofl

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Mar 03, 2011 9:39 am

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was
entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:








P...E...N...I...S




His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:




PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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